The Worst Carnival
by TitanFodder
Summary: Vaan reflects his pain and love for the sky pirate Balthier. Song lyrics by JubyPhonic. "The Worst Carnival", by Vocaloid. Rating subject to change, angst and romance, Balthier X Vaan.


_Thrown to the ground like they were trash at your feet_

_All the letters I wrote you, love you're turning your back to_

_I've heard it said that burning love doesn't last_

_Still kind of shocked it blew away so fast_

As the rain hit the window, leaving its cadenced sound and its cold gray patterns behind, Vaan leaned against the glass, letting his gaze wander the smoky sky that covered the entirety of Rabanastre. It was lonely nights like this that made him want to cry. Balthier was never really around, and the letters he sent were few and disappointing. It was wrong, yes, for Balthier and Vaan to be together, and because of Balthier's fear of getting in trouble, he never really wanted to say what Vaan wanted to hear.

_Just gonna stand there or have something to say?_

_Oh don't let me be the hold up when you're dying to move on_

_I know the story and it plays out like this_

_Soon you'll be gone to search for someone else_

It was painful. Vaan hated his weakness, and he hated how it seemed that Balthier knew all he had to do was snap his fingers and he'd come running. Maybe it was because he knew that he could have Vaan whenever he wanted that he didn't try harder with the blonde. And maybe it was for that reason that Balthier never wanted to risk anything to say those words to Vaan. He felt worthless to the pirate, as if Balthier would be okay if Vaan just disappeared.

_Left behind, again I'm think of sky_

_How I loved to watch daytime fly by_

_Laughing smiles passing through annoy me_

_Can't keep down this demon glaring_

He hated watching others too. He would be outside on a hot summer's day, in front of Migelo's place, watching couples hold hands and show their affections for one another. Vaan didn't like that he had the best lover in the world and wasn't allowed to let anyone know about it. And when he was in the confines of the Strahl with the elder, away from prying eyes, he still didn't get the attention he so desperately craved from the other. It only made him cry, the fact that he was so hopelessly in love with the other that he took what little the other gave him. It was an endless dance the two did.

_Welcome to what's been the worst day of my life_

_Beating from the chains and laughing till I cry_

_I'll rub the tears from out of my eyes_

_And kick it from this dancing carnival_

_I'm done wanting to be "Just anyone but me"_

_If I couldn't burn then maybe I can gleam_

_I'll say goodbye but why not let it last the night?_

_Blaze through the dark like hell, this carnival._

There was hope in the sunlight the morning brought, however. When the rain clears, his feelings are swept away in the stream of people around him. The lack of natural light caused depression amongst the multitude anyhow, maybe that's why Vaan felt so bad? It could be a possibility.

_Sooner or later all the night melts away_

_Pouring the sunshine all over, other worlds never closer_

_Speaking of dreams that make your life living hell_

_I guess I'm one as well but time will tell_

And it finally hit him to just give up on Balthier. He tried so hard, though it wasn't easy. Every night since he realized his feelings for the other, he told himself repeatedly that the other didn't love him to loosen his own pain.

_Done my scheming and my plotting alright_

_All the hearts that I played got played back_

_So I'm finally giving in and letting go_

_Throw them down, we're starting up my last show_

And it was Balthier who encouraged him to pursue being a sky pirate, though he dreamed about it for a long time before. He couldn't throw that away, it meant too much to him.

_They shoot across the sky as if they wanna fly_

_Grab one in my hand, at least I gotta try_

_Then maybe I can force it to hear_

_And grant my wish, just one for real_

_From Yokohama skies to Tokyo, stars align_

_Close enough to taste but still too far to find_

_I wait for the sun to come and fill my world with light_

_It dances with no end, this carnival_

Vaan couldn't let go of Balthier, no matter how much he tried. He loved him so deeply it hurt, but that type of pain can't just be walked away from. It was stupid, letting his own desires get the better of him, but love can be stupid. But he was fine accepting the consequences of it.

_Welcome to what's been the worst day of my life_

_Beating from the chains and laughing till I cry_

_I'll rub the tears from out of my eyes_

_And kick it from this dancing carnival_

_I'm done wanting to be "Just anyone but me"_

_If I couldn't burn then maybe I can gleam_

_I'll say goodbye but why not let it last the night?_

_Blaze through the dark like hell, this carnival_


End file.
